It’s started. They’re playing Christmas songs on the radio. The anticipation is building. Is it going to be a very merry Christmas for you under the mistletoe or will you be left cold outside?
FHDC deciphers some of the most popular Christmas songs to help you decide if your luck is going to be in or out this Christmas.
Wham – Last Christmas
Get over it George. You appeared too desperate and you think novelty Christmas jumpers are amusing. Is there any wonder that she dumped you for the guy who didn’t act like a stalker? Yep. Give it to someone special. Probably your Mum.
Mistletoe Rating: 3/10
I saw Mummy Kissing Santa Clause
Hmmm we all thought ‘naughty mummy’ when we were kids, but when we realised who was underneath the red suit and fluffy beard as we got older, we understood that Mum and Dad had probably been on the mulled wine after Midnight Mass and were feeling the calm before the storm of Christmas morning with the extended family. Top tip next time…lock the kids in their rooms!
Mistletoe Rating: 7/10
Dean Martin – Baby It’s Cold Outside
Have you taken a moment to listen to the lyrics of this sleazy Xmas ramble? “Say, what’s in this drink?…Your eyes are like starlight now”. Forgive me for being suspicious but this sounds like the plot for a Christmas psycho slasher movie. Run girl run!! He’s drugged you.
Mistletoe Rate: 0/10
Bing Crosby – White Christmas
This is more like it. Dripping with nostalgia and creating imagery of a magical white Christmas. Bing’s voice is so smooth you’ll be thinking ‘BINGO’ as that special person in your life makes you feel all ‘merry & bright’.
Mistletoe Rating: 9/10
Mariah Carey – All I want for Christmas is You
She just keeps on waiting underneath that mistletoe? Santa Clause won’t make her happy with a toy on Christmas day? Poor lass. Just about as needy as poor old George. Stop wailing ‘oooooooooooooh’ it’s enough to shatter Jack Frost’s baubles.
Mistletoe Rating: 5/10
The Pogues – Fairytale of New York
‘It was Christmas Eve in the drunk tank’… let’s face it you’ve blown it haven’t you?! The bells were ringing out on Christmas day, you’ve got a filthy hangover and probably have breath like Rudolph’s oat sack.
Mistletoe Rating: 0/10
Slade – Merry Christmas Everybody
‘Does your granny always tell you that the old songs are the best?’ – well they are aren’t they. Since Simon Cowell killed off the joy of the Christmas number one with his annual pointless cover, we all cling to the good old days. Go for it Gran. Have a sherry and get Granddad under the mistletoe. Just don’t do that thing where you take you dentures out first as it will creep everyone out.
Mistletoe Rating: 8/10
Wizzard – I Wish it Could Be Christmas Everyday
Let’s face it. If you are at a Christmas party and this Christmas belter comes on, everyone is going to be up on the dance floor. It’s 1973. Nobody is Snapchatting daft pouty selfies. ‘Oh, when the snowman brings the snow’… as long as UBER brings your cab, it just won’t matter. See how long you can keep your Christmas cracker hat on and dance the night away.
Mistletoe Rating: 10/10
FHDC’s top tips for making it a kissable Christmas...
1. Book in for a professional clean with our dental hygienist. Nobody will kiss you if you have bits of sprout stuck between your teeth.
2. Get your Teeth Whitened. It may not snow but you can guarantee your own white Christmas with either at home or combination teeth whitening.
3. Book in for a Free Consultation. There is still time to sort out broken, damaged, stained or missing teeth before the Christmas party season.